mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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