you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
