after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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