I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
