he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
