I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
