No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The air was thick with penises
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
