I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
