life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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