i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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