I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
