boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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