Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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