I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
