if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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