So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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