I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
