wrigley field is MILF paradise
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
