i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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