I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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