I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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