Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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