No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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