i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
