Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
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