You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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