dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
