K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
