Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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