okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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