I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
