Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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