the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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