A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
