I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
