Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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