Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
