Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
