I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
