I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
