i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
