one might say we're banned from that church
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
