i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
