you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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