Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
