we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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