Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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