oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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