we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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