Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
