I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
