Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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