I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
