I can tuck mytits in my pants
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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