Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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