if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
