i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
