and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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