My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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