i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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