Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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