the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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