i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
