We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize