you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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