my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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