Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
