I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
