Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize